My dad should have never been a father. In fact, if you could go back 30 years and ask the twenty-four year old version of himself he’d tell you outright that he never wanted to have kids.
Unfortunately unwanted pregnancies are a side affect of poor habits. So 30 years and four children later here we are.
Now lets get something established right now. I don’t hate my father. Have I hated my father? Yes. Do I have good reason to hate my father? No.
I love my old man, but it’s in my own way and on my own terms. Our conversations are brief; and visits are infrequent.
Damaged. That’s our relationship. And you know what? I’m ok with that.
I will always have the memories I have of a beast that ruled us by fear. But at the end of the day, after all the abuse was had, when I look at myself in the mirror, I’m happy I went through it all.
Do I have problems? Lots.
Though I’ve come to learn what abuse looks and feels like. I can catch myself falling into those pitfalls and then pull myself out or stop myself from falling into them. And I wouldn’t trade that bit of information for the world.
It’s this little bit of knowledge that I’d like to impart with you.
There’s this idea out there though that abuse is only abuse if it shows. Almost as if physical abuse is the only form that one can be mistreated. Of course any individual would be quick to state that one can be mentally abused, but the point is that many people don’t really realize what other forms exist.
There are six:
- Physical – Are you hit?
- Emotional – Are you belittled?
- Verbal – Is your life a walking breathing Full Metal Jacket?
- Mental – Do you feel like you’re trapped in a game of Jumanji?
- Economic – Are you financially repressed?
- Sexual – Is your body a piece of meat?
Most in an abusive relationship, especially if the relationship is young, will answer “no,” to the above questions. They’ll seem extreme. But really they’re just threatening.
No one wants to believe they’re being abused. Human beings just aren’t programed that way.
You don’t show your kids movies about kids being abused throughout the entirety of their childhoods to then grow up and probably do the same thing to their own kids. Or at the very least have to invest a good chunk of money into therapy to try to repair the past where they can.
But please, friend, don’t justify it away like brushing crumbs to the floor.
Love never meant being treated like less and then expected to be happy in the end.
Don’t say it’s a phase. Don’t say it’ll get better. And most of all don’t you DARE say or think that in some capacity that you’re to blame.
My father abused us and we all thought we were to blame for so long in so many ways, but we were innocent.
People just sometimes abuse others because they don’t know anything else. It’s part of who they are in some terribly twisted way.
It may be hard to leave. It might be the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. It was for my mother and in the end she stayed with him for 25 years. Years she’ll never get back. Years she’ll never forgive herself for.
Go. Don’t look back. Spring your cage and soar. Find your happiness.
And know that you deserve to be just as happy as you’ve always dreamed of being.